2015 Pre-season comparisons

April 22, 2015

So with the new season upon us and the first game this weekend, I felt it an appropriate time to kick start the player diary again, and perhaps offer a bit of an insight into some of our key players going into the 2015 season.

The first person to talk about is our spiritual leader, the man we entrust with every element of our offensive potency. Ironic, given his well known lack of real life potency. Our quarterback, Curtis Bourke.

Now Curtis has developed over the years from an annoying, cocky Junior player to an annoying, cocky senior player. In amongst this transition he learned to love the extra gravitas and weight involved in being the Senior QB. However, we didn’t expect him to love the extra weight around the waistline…

I was thinking about a celebrity comparison for Curtis, and I’m afraid I got stuck on one particular person, which resonated more and more as we go deeper into the comparison. That person is Justin Bieber.

Now bear with me, this one’s a slow burner…

So, Curtis looks the same now as he did when he was 12, much like Justin Bieber. The youthful looks seem to be popular with his other half, and as we know, Bieber’s pre-teen visage seems to attract other tweens just the same. Our Justin is an unlikely success. Nobody seems to really like what he does, and yet he’s somehow successful. Much like young Curtis, nobody understands what he’s doing, how he looks so bad doing it, and yet is known as a successful player.

Justin Bieber is a little spoilt, and is regularly pictured with expensive cars and accessories which have clearly been given to him by the adoring fans or entourage. Curtis, whilst never likely to be seen with a supercar, is not much of a driver, so is regularly seen being driven around by his own little entourage.

The pop sensation is also known for his petulance and arrogance… I was going to try and say something clever here, but anyone who knows Curtis is already way ahead of me.

And now some quickfire likenesses – they both have awful hair, dreadful dress sense, and love getting drunk and silly for no real reason.

But most of all, the clearest likeness, both Justin Bieber and Curtis Bourke deeply, truly, madly, frantically, wish they were black men.

So clearly Curtis “Biebs” Bourke needs to find another role model…

So who else do we have? Offensively we’ve got Chris Jackson, but the troll comparisons are already well known, much the same as Dave Crane and the Vanilla Gorilla, so I’m not really into such low hanging fruit.

The other deep dive comparison that springs to mind is with Casey Campbell.

Casey Campbell is beloved to many, undoubtedly talented, and humble with it, albeit a hint of modesty about his accomplishments. Marches to the beat of his own drum, largely introverted, but often the centre of attention. Draws the crowds and people look out for him. Most notably though, if you were going to design a football player, you’d basically design Casey. Strong, fast, agile, intelligent. The prototypical running back.

In many ways I see Casey as Samuel L.Jackson. In the same way you look at Casey and see “generic talented black guy” (in a nice way), you look at Jackson as “generic black actor” – have you ever seen any movie, ever? He’s the black guy…

Beyond that, I look to the defense.

Fewer deep personality comparisons here, perhaps more adept at lookalikes on the other side of the ball. Josh Milgate and Mowgli, Sam Gennings and Caspar the Friendly Ghost (actually, I think Sam is paler than Caspar), James Birch and any pirate ever…

The obvious one here is Raul – Mexican, easy going and talks with a silly accent. That can mean only one thing – Raul is effectively Speedy Gonzales. Except for one thing. Raul couldn’t outrun a burrito, let alone Sylvester the cat. Indeed, the way Raul sleeps in the locker room, you’d be forgiven for thinking he was a cat.

Still, it takes all sorts, and I’m sure as the season progresses we’ll have more and more comparisons and more stories. Let’s face it, with Bieber around there’s rarely a dull moment…