Maidstone, Heat, and Slider…

It’s hot. Damn hot. But then again, i don’t think i’ve played a game in Maidstone where the sun wasn’t beating down and people were turning into lobsters… Just another day in the Garden of England apparently (according to the Maidstone Pumas’ General Manager).

So, we arrive in Maidstone, with the sun beating down to find a nice firm pitch, a 5 man refereeing crew (albeit consisting of Harry Potter, Tweedle Dum, the Flagless Wonder, a trainee from Somerset and some bloke called Nobby - fills you with confidence…), and two teams ready to go at it. You’d be forgiven for thinking that it was all systems go, ready for kick off, but that wasn’t quite the case. We had our roster check, we had the coin toss (we lost, and i blame Tommy Clarke…), and we even buckled the chinstraps, but one essential part was missing. The ambulance. Yes, it’s compulsory to have an ambulance at the game, and we didn’t have one. So we waited…and waited…and waited… Talks of a Maidstone forfeit were bandied about. Talks of Gladiators being awarded the game. The refs confirmed that we had to wait an hour before this happened though. So we continued to wait. It was like having the music from Countdown in your head for an entire hour. Watching the clock tick round, and imagining the impact of this. 12.30 came and went, as did 12.45. The big hand was getting nearer and nearer the top of the clock when, all of a sudden, with seconds remaining, the Ambulance came into view, greeted by rapturous applause and cheering… Actually more like a chorus of “About bloody time!” from 60 disgruntled football players. But that was not the only drama to unfold…

So, we kick off, and Maidstone take the ball. Ineffective on their first drive, we take over. Three plays in we see Alex “Slider” Robinson storming into the End Zone for an apparent score, only to have it called back for a block in the back. tut, tut Dave Scott.

The score does come though, with Duncan Flack storming in from close range, but not before the Pumas managed to sneak in one of their own. However, because Slider’s great, he runs in the 2 point conversion and the Gladiators take the lead at the half. This was soon followed by a Paul Gates run down the sideline for another 6.

Unfortunately for us the Pumas were not dead yet - a 31yard TD brought them level with only a couple of minutes left on the clock.

Colchester marched menacingly into the red zone behind more strong running by Robinson and Flack but a six yard loss on a sweep brought up third and long. On fourth down, Robinson was stopped a yard short on the Pumas’ 4 but the home team had the ball with time running out. However, the youthful exuberance of Mark Gilbranch proved too much for the Pumas’ running back, as he was hauled down at the line of scrimmage. Mark finally managing to prove that he is actually more useful with his pads on than he is with the pub quiz answer sheet in his hand… Mark was backed up by Nick Foxley and Paul Brunsden, forcing the Pumas to punt the ball away with less than a minute on the clock…Gladiators take control with 37 yards to go… tick followed tock followed tick followed tock. You could hear the cogs in the official’s watch moving - or you could have done if he hadn’t been wearing a digital watch… The heat was intense, sweat dripped off everyone, some guys were roasting nicely and the tan lines were really something special.

First Down - minimal gain.

40 seconds to go.

Second Down - nothing.

Less than 30 seconds. tick followed tock followed tick followed tock

Third Down - Dan “the slinger” Singer drops back, closes his eyes, utters some sort of prayer and lets the ball fly… imagine the slow motion spiral as it sails through the air… Gates leaps, Defenders swarm around him, the ball drops…. into Gates’ hands at the 8 yard line for a first down.

Last chance now… tick followed tock followed tick followed tock, 15 seconds to go….Robinson sweeps round the outside to the 3 yard line. Then chaos - as the clock runs lower and lower, the officials can’t decide where to spot the ball. I stand there screaming at them, pointing to where Robinson was down, but still they discuss the spot, and even change the ball. tick followed tock followed tick followed tock. Then, blessed relief, Harry Potter signals that the Pumas have taken a timeout. 3rd timeout, 3 seconds on the clock, 3 yard line. Why they’d call it then, nobody knows. All we know is that it gave us the opportunity to get the play in. Coach Neil O’Hare was cool, calm and calculated. He assessed the options, and knowing that there was time for one play only, he called King Right Toss. 3 seconds, 3 yards, 3 words.

Whistles blow, the teams line up. Singer starts shouting, “Red 18, Red 18…” the snap goes, the blocks are made, but hardly needed - the Pumas’ defence are exhausted in the heat. Singer turns, tosses the ball to Robinson. It’s Robinson to the 3, the 2, the 1… TOUCHDOWN! Time expires, the crowd (all 2 men and their dog) go wild, and the Gladiators claim the win. Slider racks up another 100yard game, and Duncan gets a score, so he can’t whine this week.

So, lengthy break now - about 5 weeks until the next game, but there’s plenty going on behind the scenes, so watch this space for updates…

Updates and records…

I’m aware that my blogging has slipped over the last few weeks, so apologies for that, but i’ve been exceptionally busy (honest!). But now as i settle back into my chair, and contemplate life, the universe and everything i realise that it was wrong of me to keep you hanging, as you undoubtedly have been…

 

So, we’ve played the East Kent Mavericks - a team with tremendous depth and developing rapidly over the last few seasons, and probably the team that will rival us for a spot in the post-season. It was a long, tough game, played in typically brutish fashion, with hard hits coming in from all angles. However, a superb pass into double coverage was the difference on the day as we came out 7-0 losers.

Then, regrettably, we hit the wall. Not “the wall” where we’re all so tired and can’t continue, but the wall that was the London Cobra’s defence. The senior contingent of the London Warriors youth team, it was stocked with big, young, fast specimens. Not least the middle linebackers who made every offensive player’s life very difficult all day long. They tackled hard, they ran hard, they were fast, and boy did they hit hard. If you’re in any doubt about that, ask Pat Willis…

 

 

 

 

 

Some might argue that 34 - 0 was an unfair reflection on our defence, who stood firm for a very long time, and suffered as our offence spluttered and coughed up the ball in crucial situations. However, the Cobras are a very talented team, and they will be sweeping through division 2 this season, and it would be no surprise to see them demolish division 1 next year too. Having said that, i’m certain that there are weaknesses, and i’m certain that they are beatable. I’m just not sure how at the moment…

So, we plough on regardless, and, at 1-2 we travelled to the local rivals - Essex Spartans.

Playing on astroturf is rarely fun, and so we were pleasantly surprised to find a soft and springy surface, albeit still coarse enough to open the skin pretty easily, as a number of our guys found out. All told though, the surface was quick, slick, and good for football. Just wish the grass fields we played on were as flat!

Now, this was Essex’s first game of the 2008 campaign, and they started looking rusty. The Gladiators came out and took the ball, marching downfield early, but with the Spartans setting out their stall very early on. Within the first series we saw abusive language, foul play, taunting, spitting, punches thrown, and generally very poor behaviour which endeared them to nobody on the Gladiators sideline. So with the game scoreless after both the Gladiators’ and Spartans’ first drive, the Glads took control, marching downfield thanks to Alex Robinson. “Slider” really tore into the Essex defence, ripping through them for big gains throughout the first quarter.

 

                       

 

 

 

The scores soon follow, and Slider runs in for two scores in the first half, converting one of the PATs himself. Just as the Gladiators take control the officials make the first of their bizarre calls of the day… Let me set the scene…

Essex punt the ball away on 4th and plenty. Tommy Clarke is back to return the kick on his 5yard line. The ball sails away, and Tommy sees that it has plenty of forward momentum so moves out of the way, ushering it into the end zone for a touchback. So the ball bounces, rolls closer and closer to the end zone. Tommy watches it closely, urging it on, but it’s in vain as it stops not 6 inches from the goal line. The Spartans run up to down the ball, and the Gladiators offence takes to the field. However… the officials converge and debate. After some time they signal for a Spartan’s first down - first and goal from about 4 inches. Apparently, Tommy touched the ball and the Spartans recovered. Absolute rubbish! If that was the case then why didn’t they run an extra step into the end zone? Stupid officials! So, the Spartan’s QB dives over the line for the score off the next play, and we enter half time with the score at 13-7, despite Slider having more than 100 yards rushing already, and Essex having not even achieved a first down.

The second of the officials’ curious decisions came in the second half, after a third Robinson touchdown. The PAT was taken, looked like it had gone wide, but was signalled good. The officials converge with the Spartans’ head coach, and discussion ensues. It transpires that the official didn’t watch the ball through the posts, and just assumed that it had gone through, despite slipping wide. As a result, we were asked to re-kick. We attempted a fake, which wasn’t successful, but it was a truly ridiculous situation.

So, after a successful second half, the Gladiators triumph at 34-13, but the real highlight was Slider’s performance - 334 yards, 4 touchdowns, average over 9 yards per carry - a new Gladiators record rushing performance. So, fair play to the little fella!

Up next is Maidstone Pumas, and then a month’s break before we commence the second half of the campaign.

 

 

Bedfordshire Blue Raiders…

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock….

Friday night, into Saturday. Saturday night into Sunday….

Watching the clock. Every tick and every tock was one second closer….

One second closer to strapping up the pads, one second closer to buckling up the helmet…

Tick, tock, pads, helmet, tick, tock, pads, helmet…

 

It feels like an eternity, but the training, the blood, the weat and the tears finally come to fruition. It’s 10am, and we’re ready for the trip to Bedfordshire. WOO HOO!

So, people start to congregate from about 9.30, with the adrenaline already pumping, and ready to get going. The rookies have a nervous look in their eye, and the veterans sense the anticipation. So, as people start milling around Paul Bovingdon, our Treasurer, has the job of dishing out the travelling shirts. This year, we’ve gone for a delicate pale blue shirt, emblazoned with the Gladiators’ 25th Anniversary logo. Very nice they are too… when they fit! It’s fair to say some of the “larger” gentlemen had issues doing them up, but we soldiered on regardless!

The bus journey was as long and arduous as ever - well over two hours pootling down roads in the pouring rain. The highlight was the moment Coach Roberts dramatically appeared from the lower deck, and instructed us to all shuffle around - offensive players at the front of the bus, and defence at the back. Needless to say the way were were sat originally meant that most of the offence was sat towards the rear, with defence at the front. Cue lots of moving around, complaining, yelps as people were treading on each other, and amidst the madness the passive figure of Duncan Flack, superstar Running Back, still, unmoving dead centre of the bus. Mind you, with the stupidly loud screeching music he plays there’s a fair chance he was oblivious to what was going on anyway…

So, once we’d shuffled around… nothing happened. that’s right, nothing. So, thinking it was a team building exercise that the coaches had ordered for a bit of a giggle, we started to move back to where we were. At that point Coach Roberts and Coach Stephenson appear from downstairs to give “inspirational” pre-game talks. I didn’t hear Coach Roberts’ contribution, but T’s revolved mainly around “We’re going to beat them. we’ll have fun. It’s all good”. Inspirational, i’m sure you’ll agree.

So, with Defensive players suddenly panicking and flicking through playbooks, the offence proceded to discuss more important matters - like how Monty might be able to steal the TV from the front of the bus (5 minutes alone with a screwdriver and it’s his…), which women Rugby thinks would “wear it like a raincoat” (i think we got as far as Slider’s Mum, and stopped there…), and whether the new and improved Tommy Clarke was actually trying to turn into Duncan, with his new streamlined haircut (yes, yes he is…).

Eventually we pulled up outside the Bedfordshire International Athletics Stadium, thinking how great it was to play in a posh stadium… It turns out that the football field was out the back somewhere on the wasteland that’s so bad it was rejected for allotments. Combine this with the cold, wet, muddy conditions and it was time to play football!

Warm ups, then roster check, then coin toss and then… KICK OFF! Finally the 2008 season is underway, after what seems like years of waiting!

We kick nice and deep to the Bedfordshire returner and then the Defence takes the field. The entire offence prowls on the sidelines looking for the chance to get onto the field. Eventually the defence force Bedfordshire to punt the ball away, and we’re on. The first play comes in and new QB, Dan “The Slinger” Singer steps up. His hand trembles, he calls the cadence, i snap the ball nice and cleanly into his hands, he makes the hand off, and we’re off and running.

As ever, the game passes by so quickly, but there were some real moments to savour. Tommy Clarke bagging the first interception of the season, Duncan rumbling up the middle, Paul Gates sweeping round the edge, and the defence gang tackling each rushing attempt that Bedfordshire made.

So with the rain hammering down, we get through to half-time with neither side getting on the scoresheet. We got as far as the 5 yardline, but couldn’t convert, and then a catalogue of errors on the field goal attempt left us coming away with nothing. But we were not deterred, and as the sun came out in the second half, so did our best football. Soon after the restart we drove down the field, and Slider slipped into the end zone from close range - Goat converted the extra-point and we were 7-0 ahead.

Bedfordshire’s rushing game stalled, and we took control of the football again in the 4th quarter. Again, we got close, and again Slider swept around the edge and into the end zone for the score. 14-0.

It could have been so much more, but some silly penalties negated some excellent efforts. Notably when rookie Paul Gates took the hand off, and managed to rush over 60 yards, breaking 4 or 5 tackles in the process, only for the play to be called back for holding. Frustrating in anyone’s book! Someone needs to teach Monty to block…

But, 14-0 it finished. The Gladiators record their first victory in 2 calendar years, and celebrations ensue. Not least by the coaches who get well and truly smashed on the way home, drinking copious amounts of rum and beer…

However, they were sober enough to announce game MVPs on the trip back. Offensive MVP was Alex “Slider” Robinson for his two touchdowns:

     

 

Defensive MVP was Matt Selby for making an immediate impact at Linebacker and shutting down the Bedfordshire Offence:

     

Special Teams MVP was Steve O’Callaghan, for his contributions on all the special teams, and his long snapping accuracy: ( i know the picture is him at the Blades, but i couldn’t find one of him playing on sunday…)

    

But the Overall game MVP was well deserved, and awarded to Duncan Flack. Despite not scoring, the reliable Running back pounded the ball up and down the middle of the field, recording his first 100 yard performance for quite some time.

    

So, next on the agenda is East Kent Mavericks in two weeks time. Go Gladiators!

 

 

 

The return….

Ok, so i’ll hold my had up and admit, it’s taken some time for me to update the blog. I’ve been busy, what with training, and social events, and player registrations (when people can be bothered), but that’s no excuse for poor workmanship, so i consider myself thoroughly berated. Bearing in mind the hoards of you who have requested that i update it (”hoards” equating to 5 people) i can tell that my contribution is valued above all others! So, with that in mind, i thought i’d give a brief overview of things that have happened since the last update, and my perspective on where we are now…So, i suppose the first thing to say was that after being let down by the US All Stars this year we had a mad panic to find another team to play us in the preseason. If you ask me, that just proves that there’s no such thing as an American “star”. More like American Drama Queens if you ask me, but that’s a conversation for another day (what’s that? Me? Bitter about Americans? Well, i got pancaked by one when i played in the US, but that only happened once, and the next play i took him down! Not that i’m one to hold a grudge…)Many teams were mentioned as possible opponents, and we scoured the BAFL ranks for opposition worthy of the trip to our illustrious home ground. Such prominent and exceptional teams as the Chiltern Cheetahs, Reading Renegades, and even the Shropshire Revolution were mentioned, but each of them were clearly far too overwhelmed at the prospect of facing the blue and gold wrecking machine in their own back yard. Well, in truth most had other plans at Easter, but i like to think they could have come if they’d wanted to - they just didn’t fancy trying an Easter Egg hunt with broken legs…In the end, each of the committee had to bite the bullet and invite they who must not be named… (for those unsure of who i’m referring to, think local rivals, who wear a sort of maroon colour - i mean seriously, who wears maroon? It’s so 1982….). So with that the Ip***ch Car****ls (even typing the name leaves a bad taste in the mouth) agreed to come to fortress Broad Lane and take on Coach Roberts’ Barmy Army.

The weather leading up to the game was somewhat inclement, and at one point, after dusk, three intrepid club men were reduced to emptying bucket after bucket of water from the drains in order to try to allow the pitch to dry. Snow, sleet, hail, and ever more rain ensued, and as we all sat comfortably indoors on Friday the phone rang. I answered it with trepidation…

“Tom, it’s Dave. We have to call the game off…”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’m pretty sure the guys in Ipswich could hear my reaction from here. Despite pleading to reconsider, Dave eloquently pitched the argument that we play football and not water polo, and so the field would not be suitable. Reluctantly i agreed, and sent out notification to everyone. Despair and anguish settled over Colchester over Easter, and tensions ran high at training the following day.

 

But, despite this miserable pre-season, the social side of the club is stronger than ever. We’ve held the first quiz night of the year, as well as the inaugural Rookies and Legends night, both were fairly well attended, and hopefully will allow the social side of the club to grow and grow. So, the quiz night - our dear old friend Eric from our Wednesday night quiz agreed to take the reigns and he didn’t disappoint. Sure enough, Eric’s quiz was impeccable, and the teams there all left happy. Despite only making a small profit, i think that the entire night was worthwhile just for Tommy Clarke’s input on our team. When faced with any question, Tommy would immediately agree with whichever suggestion was voiced first, vehemently throwing his support behind it, regardless of what it was. So, let me set the scene… tension is high, silence around the room, Eric’s commanding presence dominationg as it always does. He raises the microphone to his lips and, in his long Stoke drawl utters, “Who lives in a ‘very grand house in the middle of a beach tree’ in the Hundred Acre Wood?”

Adam Burrows, in his infinite wisdom immediately says “Well that’s easy, it was Eeyore, the donkey”. Tommy jumps in.. “Absolutely, top shout that Rugby, got to be Eeyore, stick it down.” Duncan pauses before asking, “Are you sure? That doesn’t make sense to me.”

 ”Absolutely, it’s Eeyore, no doubt about it!”, Tommy retorts.

“I’m not convinced” I reply. “I’m with Duncan here, that doesn’t make sense.”

“I’m telling you, it’s Eeyore, i’d stake my reputation on it!” Tommy exclaims. “How can you say it doesn’t make sense!”

“Well,” Duncan replies, “He said at the start of the round that the next 10 questions were all related to pigs. So, logically the answer would be Piglet…”

Tommy sits back in his chair, somewhat dumbstruck, and waits for the next question to re-assert himself further…

However, I’m perhaps being a little harsh on Tommy - he did pretty well helping me with the Rookies and Legends night. He came shopping with me, and proceeded to stock up his own freezer. I let him choose some sort of sweet component for the buffet, and he opted for Giant Chocolate Discs, insisting that they’d go down a storm. I disagreed, and we had a little wager that my Honey and Mustard sausages would go down better than his chocolate discs. Needless to say, within an hour, my sausages had disappeared, and at the end of the night there was a black bag full of chocolate discs…

On the subject of the Rookies and Legends night, all in all i think it was a great success. I mean, let’s face it, you know it’s been a good night when Rick Rotondo starts talking about licking a Mr. Whippy on the toilet… I mean, be honest, it’s an image you never even considered, but now you’re left wondering how you ever survived without it…

Rick was a great speaker - animated, enthusiastic, interesting and most of all a guy that people see and respect. He’s a guy that people aspire to be like, and he raises the level of those around him. Our second speaker, Coach Roberts, may not fulfil all those criteria at the moment, but let’s face it, not all of us have a story about ice cream in the lavatory!

We managed to award almost all the shirts for our rookie class too - 20+ guys receiving their first Gladiators jersey. It’s a great achievement and we have high hopes for all of them. However, we also hope that next year’s group can drink, because this year they got stuffed in the Rookies vs. Legends boat race…

But, social events aren’t the only thing we’ve been organising this year… So far we’ve managed to pay a visit to Manningtree school, where our first 2008 mascot (Harry Hornsby) is a pupil. We conducted 4 PE lessons, and managed not to injure any kids in the process (despite really wanting to in the case of some of the year 10s!). As a result we’ve had a big picture in the Evening Gazette, as well as being featured on Anglia News (hopefully i’ll have a copy of this shortly, and i’ll try to post it if i can). So, three things have come out of that… firstly, we’re famous! Secondly, we know that Dave missed his calling in life, and should have been a teacher, and finally that Tommy Clarke and Adam Burrows must never, ever, ever be left in control of 15 year old girls…

    Also on the horizon are the first ever Gladiators online advertisements. That’s right, Rick Rotondo - Sloppy Joes Quality Control, has been filmed and is currently in post-production as we speak. Rick (or the angry gay pirate as he was affectionately nicknamed at the shoot) managed to tear Sloppy Joes to pieces, and you could tell from the glint in his eyes that he loved every minute of it. Tommy Clarke flew over tables, and then flew over them again so we could film him without him laughing. He got thrown up against a wall a dozen times because he couldn’t grasp the petrified expression he needed to make (fortunately Rugby was there to help, and immediately suggested that Tommy use his “happy face”. Having seen it first hand, Burrows knew exactly what it looked like, and as it transpired, the grimace Tommy makes on the vinegar strokes is the look of pure terror… Rugby himself got creamed - well, Salad creamed. Mind you, Rick also gave me a good dose of cream on the face… as he slammed my head into a large cake. Brad Stevenson got to get all greased up, as he had his head driven into the hotplate, and then, as Tommy got dragged backwards up the stairs, we knew we were on a winner! Again, once these are release, i’ll try to post them up here…

 

So, with all of this stuff out of the way we’re looking at the new season. 10 games, 10 chances to make an impression, 10 chances to show BAFL that we mean business, and most importantly, 10 chances for Duncan to moan about his blocking…

However, not everyone will be able to play the first game. Mainly because they haven’t completed their fricking registration forms! It’s not rocket science, and i’ve given them enough warning… Sometimes i wonder if people ever actually listen, and what goes through their heads whilst i’m talking…

 

Anyway, rant over for now.

So,the season continues and promises to be as long as our committee meetings (after 4 meetings, we’ve averaged 5 hours 15 mins per meeting, and never finished before 1am), but we’re a well oiled machine and we’re ready for it… I hope!

50 - 10 = 40…

Quiz night again, and the intrepid foursome had high hopes of setting the standard in preparation for the Gladiators Quiz night next Friday. However, all good things come to an end, and after regaining their championship crown last week, it was cruelly stolen from them…mainly because Mark, our beloved primary school teacher, can’t count.

Anyway, we had a feeling it wasn’t going to be our night when the first question came up, “What is the name for a chicken that is less than a year old?” Erm…

But we recovered from an early stumble and rapidly pulled out some corking answers. Author of the Water Babies - Charles Kingsley, Jeroboam - 4 bottles, and my favourite, “if James is 5, Henry is 3 and Edward is 2, then who is 1?” Think about it. Could it be a trick question? Some kind of embedded code? Nope, it’s far simpler than that…It’s Thomas the Tank Engine!

However, throughout the quiz, George and Mark tried to make us slip up… “In equine terms, how much does a hand measure?” Mark and I were tossing numbers around, like 4 and a half inches, 6 inches, etc. And George chirps up… “18 inches” he says. Dave and i look at each other, before Dave replies, “Well, they say that a good size horse is about 17 hands, which would make it 25 and a half feet tall.” In fairness, that would be a good size horse… We settled on 4, more in hope than expectation, but we came up trumps on that one.

Another question that made us ponder was “Which is the only animal to have a tongue but cannot stick it out of its mouth?” Various things were mentioned - shark, crocodile, platypus - before we guessed at Crocodile, fully expecting the answer to be alligator! But, another moment of triumph when Crocodile earned us the point.

Comical moment of the night came when the question “Who was the arch enemy of cartoon character Elmer J. Fudd?” Dave, George and I leaned in to whisper the obvious answer, Bugs Bunny. But we all decided there was no point even saying it, because it was too obvious. So, naturally we expected Mark to be writing this down, but instead he broke out into hysterical laughter. When we asked him what was wrong, apparently the three of us simultaneously leaning forward and backwards tickled him. And, no, he didn’t know the answer. God only knows what Mark was doing when the rest of us were watching cartoons.

I do know for sure that he wasn’t sailing anywhere though. “How deep is a fathom of water?” Mark’s almost instantaneous reply was “12 miles”. No Mark. Just No…

So, we feel quietly confident with our score of 41, despite knowing that we’d mentioned a couple of answers in passing, and not written them down. However, our hopes are dashed when another team declares 41 as well. We fear a tie breaker on our hands, and after the 15 question marathon the other week, we were dreading the tension. But we needn’t have worried. Mark had added our scores wrong, and we only had 40. Despite checking and double checking, he still insisted that we had 41. A quick count revealed 10 wrong answers, and thus, a score of 40.

So, denied this week, but we’re hopeful that next week will help us add to the wine kitty…

Super Bowl fever…

So, Super Bowl Weekend has been and gone for this year, but boy did it leave an impression!

This year, the Gladiators joined forces with the Essex Blades who were hosting a party at the University, so a small crowd of us wandered that way for the big game. Glads on parade were myself, our venerable Chairman Dave Hogarth, Dave Crane, a brace of Foxleys, George Meighan, Mark Gilbranch, and, Making his Super Bowl debut, Sam Hogarth. So, we sat towards the back watching the big screen, and something caught our eye. Something pink, something very tiny, and something just peeking out to say hello. At this point we realised that we were in a Student Union… in Essex… so of course it was a bright pink thong. Needless to say none of us minded a little distraction, and for some, that was the closest they’d been to a glimpse of flesh for quite some time…

Anyway, as we were admiring the view, Coach T comes over and specifies the rules for the night’s proceedings. Every kick that goes up, we drink for the hang time. Every first down is two fingers, as was every penalty. And at the end of a quarter, or when the ball was turned over, that was a shot of something short. We were mildly concerned by this, but, T’s our coach, we trust him implicitly and we do as he says…

So, the kick goes up, the beer goes down, and we’re underway. The beer flows, the shots go down and everybody is at ease. Well, almost everybody. Some idiot in a big hat jumps up and down a lot at the front. Someone else throws something at him and he sits down. Everybody is happy again. The pink thong makes another appearance, and everybody is even happier.

The game itself wasn’t the cleanest, most exciting football, and seemed a little cagey at times, but we were all gripped. At least, almost all of us. On occasion it was noticed that George and the Fabulous Foxley Brothers may have had somewhat heavy eyelids. Mind you, they weren’t doing the quantity of drink that the rest of us were.

Into the second half, and the first down celebrations became more animated, the beer (and later the snakebite) disappeared more quickly, and the shots were starting to pile up. As we hit the 4th quarter, 14 year old Sam makes a bold move, declaring that if the Patriots hold on for the win, he’d drink the remaining shots on the table. At this stage, there were 8 Apple Sourz waiting for him. However, it wasn’t to be, and when Eli Manning drove the Giants 80 yards down the field to snatch victory, deep into the 4th quarter, it meant that Sam’s thirst would go unquenched.

As we stumbled back down the stairs we came across the elusive Coach T, escorting a young lady into a taxi. We never saw her face, but we did see something else. Glinting in the moonlight we noticed something pink, something very tiny, and something just peeking out to say hello…

Mobile, Agile, Hostile…

So, quite possibly the coldest evening of the year preceded training this week. That meant one thing - frozen mud.

Needless to say the prospect of rolling around on hard icy ground was enough to put off a few people from training, but the hardcore members of Matt Roberts’ Barmy Army still continued to attend. And in fact, the frozen mud quickly turned to thick, wet mud as the morning, and the training session progressed.

So, as ever, the warm up was followed by the agility - 6 stations, each more devious than the last, where we push ourselves for a couple of minutes each.

So, firstly, “The wobbly cones of doom” - fairly straightforward this one, side shuffle around the cones, through Coach Wilkinson’s little maze, keeping head up, bum down, and avoiding knocking any cones over, on fear of death - well, that’s a touch exaggerated, but some people dread 10 press ups as much as they do death…

Next comes the first of the ladders. This requires two feet between each rung, keeping knees high, and powering forwards. Not too hard, but inevitably someone will trip, tangling the ladder in their feet, and dragging you down with them! We tend to spend most of this drill working on untying knots, usually consisting of mangled ladder and twisted ankles!

Thirdly is Coach Bourke’s drill. easy to understand, straightforward to execute, but the tempo and the repetition are what kills you! Basically this consists of a hurdle, and a cone. Vertical leap over the hurdle, bringing knees to chest, and then sprint to the cone as you land. Perhaps the most underrated, and the station where the most benefit can be gained, but after a leap, sprint and jog back, it’s already your turn to go again. It’s one quick circuit that is repeated over and over - no recovery time on this one! Tends to wear out even the guys with most stamina (and no, i don’t mean Adam Burrows and Tommy Clarke, although their late night sessions do emphasise remarkable stamina…)

Next comes the second ladder drill. Similar to the first, where you put two feet between each rung, but this time you go side to side rather than forward. You tend to see a lot of skipping linemen at this one, gently bouncing from side to side. Good tests for foot speed and balance, so you tend to see a lot of the Defensive line falling over on this one…

Then you’re confronted by the hurdles - bunny hop hell! 5 hurdles, two feet between each hurdle, so high kneed bunny hops are the order of the day. This is where the springy heeled DBs come into their own, but us lineman are left unimpressed at the prospect of picking up the hurdles we’ve inevitably knocked down.

And finally, Rick Rotondo’s Gauntlet run! Well, actually it’s not that exciting - all it consists of are a number of tackle bags laid on the floor, which you have to run through, stepping high over them. Firstly with long strides, then with shorter strides as you put two feet between each bag, and then with longer strides again. Always whilst Rick is yelling something aggressively and loudly, and inevitably followed by “Yeah baby, whoo!”.

So, each week we’re confronted by the 6 stages of hell, so, rest assured, if we ever find ourselves confronted by a hurdle or a tacklebag on the field this season, we’ll know exactly how to deal with it!

As ever training was well constructed, and allowed us to practice all facets of the game, rounded off nicely by a scrimmage. This week the scrimmage was recorded by Coach O’Hare, supposedly for training purposes, but the way he zoomed in on certain people left us a touch concerned… Either way, he managed to get my best side…my back.

So, aside from training, great strides have been made on the social front, and watch this space for details of our Gladiators Quiz night - or, more specifically, details of what clangers Mark can come out with in front of a new audience…

Tie break torture…

So, another Wednesday, another quiz night. As defending champions we strolled in, nonchalantly, with nothing to prove. People turned to watch us stride in, whispering and murmuring in the background as people recognised a group of winners entering the arena. Mark’s eyes narrowed as he caught sight of his nemesis. The opponent stared back, and Dave and I restrained Mark, and stopped him saying something he may regret.We sat out of the way this week, off the main “quiz floor” so as not to have dozens of pairs of eyes burning into us, examining our every move…

Ok, it was actually just really busy, and we had to find a table somewhere!

Anyway, the quiz got underway, and Eric, in his thick Stoke drawl began with…”Which satellite…”

“Telstar”, George pops up with immediately, probably because it’s the only one he’s heard of, but it was the best guess we had, so down it went. A positive start for the defending champs. Well, at least until the old Gilbranch curse comes out again, after only 4 questions. “Blimey, we’re looking good tonight boys - we could be on a winner…” Dave and I look at each other before yelping in despair! “Mark’s cursed us again. No hope now…”

However, the questions continued to come, and we still felt relatively confident. Surely a bad sign. We reached the halfway mark feeling good, a couple of guesses, but generally pretty solid.

A short break was followed by the second half, where our only aim was not to fall apart. And it was all going so well until the last 10 questions. “What is Trinitroluene better known as?” Blank looks from our quartet.

“Cereology is the study of what?” Erm… No Mark, not Shredded Wheat. I was sure i’d heard it before, but couldn’t place it. Something to do with farming? Crops? Maybe Crop circles? Don’t know, but Crop circles was as good a guess as any, so down it went.

“What was Lily Munster’s maiden name?” No Mark, it’s not Lily Savage! Well, she was some sort of vampire wasn’t she? Just stick down Dracula, he was a vampire too.

No! We can’t let it fall apart after 40 questions! But, fall apart it did. So, somewhat desolately, Mark trudged up to pass over the answer paper to Eric. Silence then ensued as the tension mounted…

“So, now the answers…” We were confident that our first half would put us in with a chance, but the second half would kill us. “Question 1, which satellite…” Again, George chirped up, “It’s Telstar, it must be.”

“…was Telstar.”

We let out a little cheer of contentment, and George grinned inanely.

Eric continued answering the questions, and the correct answers kept flowing. After the first 25 questions we had 21 points. One of which was an inspired guess that Dorking and Dark Cornish are breeds of chickens. But now we felt that our fate was decided. There surely wasn’t a chance of any type of victory with a poor performance in the second half.

So, on with the answers… and here something odd happens. We continue getting the answers right. In fact, the first 14 questions of round 2 were correct (including Dave’s inspired calculation that there were 22 boxes in Deal or No Deal). But we were still convinced there were problems brewing.

“Cereology is the study of…Crop Circles” What? You’re kidding? That was a guess, maybe slightly educated, but a guess nontheless…

“And Lily Munster’s maiden name was Dracula” Nothing educated about that one! Blind luck there…

All of a sudden we’re back in the running and we finish with a total of 41 out of 50. Could it be? A win out of nothing?

“Easy ones this week”, Eric insists. “So, anyone with 45 or above? Nobody? Have you all gone home? How about 42 or above? 40 or above?”

We erupt! Well, at least Mark squeaks a little before getting up and wandering over to claim 41. However, a familar face met him en route. His nemesis was stood, grasping an answer paper with 41 declared too. Eric would have to mark them both.

We sat, nervously. Mark sat chuntering about “how on earth that Ronnie Barker look-a-like can get 41″. Then Eric approached… “I only make it 40″. Our faces fell, but with Mark doing all the marking, anything is possible. I checked through it, and saw that he’d marked a question wrong, when it was actually correct. Eric admitted his error, and then…Tie break time!

Now, i should jsut explain something here. Instead of a traditional “nearest the answer wins” tie-breaker, Eric likes to ask another question. Well, actually he likes to ask another 2 questions (just to make sure!). So, firstly “Where is the HQ of the International Red Cross?” George again jumps to the fore, announcing that it’s Geneva. “Question 2, what does Bisto stand for?” Erm, we didn’t even know it was an acronym! But, we resigned ourselves to the fact that this might be the last question of the night, and engaged our sense of humour, writing - “BISTO = Beef Is So Tasty. Oooh”. Needless to say, that wasn’t correct. Interestingly though, neither was the nemesis’ reply. So, after two questions it was 1-1. Eric continues…

“In Malay, what does Orang-utan mean? And where do 80% of the world’s shoes get manufactured?”

Dave’s knowledge bank gets raided here, and he comes up with “Old Man of the Forest”, and China. Both correct, both matched by the opposition.

Questions 5 and 6, “What does the average American male do 5.33 times per week? And when was the first concentration camp built in Nazi Germany?”

Well, we’ve had the first one before, so we know that’s shaving. The second is trickier. War was in 1939, Hitler came to poer in 1933 (we think), so around 1936. Turns out, Hitler was more proactive than we gave him credit for, and he built it in 1933, but the opposition slipped up on that one too. So, 1-1 in that pair of questions. We continue…

“Question 7, Why was Cliff Richard forbidden from entering Singapore in 1978, despite his sell out tour? And question 8, what is French for ‘already seen’?”

Th second one is easy- that’s Deja vu, so even Mark got that. The first is trickier. Probably something to do with religion we decided. Turns out that’s what the opposition put too, but we were both wrong. Apparently his hair was too long. Hmm, that means only one thing…

“Tiebreak question 9, Which Hollywood star had measurements of 70-30-32?”

Only one question this time, but none of us can thinkof an woman with a bust of 70″! Cartoon characters get bandied around, and eventually we stick with Jessica Rabbit. It was Miss Piggy. Neither team got that.

“Tiebreak question 10, how many even prime numbers are there? And question 11, Who or what was ‘Big Willy’?”

Only one even prime number, and that’s 2. But Big Willy? George thinks a canon, i’m inclined to agree. Turns out it was a tank, but neither team knew that. So, more questions…

“Question 12, Which metal is most commonly found in the Earth? And Question 13, what does PDA stand for?”

Personal Digital Assistant…boy could we use one of those right now! Loads of Iron ore in the earth, must be that. No, it’s Aluminium. And the opposition got that right. But they didn’t get the PDA! So, more questions…

“Question 14, which Peanuts character carried a security blanket? And Question 15, who sang the theme to the bond film, “The Spy Who Loved Me”?”

Dave and I immediately say Linus for the first question, and George comes up with a winner - Carly Simon. 2/2 for us. Mark wanders up the now well trodden path to Eric’s booth. His nemesis presents his answers… One of which is wrong. WE WIN!

So, it took a total of 65 questions to separate us, but we’re the best! Reigning champions! Dynasty in the making! Well, we’ll see…

Contact details…

So, the camps are over, and now we’re into some serious training. Pass the vaseline, the deep heat and the helmet, but not necessarily in that order…

Saturday practice goes kitted! An eager buzz of anticipation flows through the air. Time to get rid of the pent up aggression from having to spend Christmas day sat next to your 85 year old grandmother who is as deaf as a post, complains a lot, and smells a lot like old cabbage. Or was that just the sprouts…

So, warm up, agility, where the fat men wobble and the small men bounce, and then Coach Roberts utters the immortal words… “Get kitted”. The new players smile but approach the shoulder pads with trepidation. The returning players (even the linemen) sprint over, and yank the pads over their head.

So, back into positional stuff. Coach O’Hare further emphasised his involuntary celibacy by offering us his balls… tennis balls. “A bit of pass protection with a tennis ball under your chin will make you think about your fundamentals. Oh, and if you drop it, it’s 10 press-ups.” The rookies looked confused. The experienced players merely shoved it down between the chest and the shoulder pads, and wedged it in there. No hope of press ups for us!

Then we worked together as a team on fundamentals - this time it was tackling. It was deemed necessary that the whole team should learn to tackle correctly, so Coach Roberts recited the BAFCA level 1 manual to us, and got the team working at tackling technique. He was very detailed, outlining the “fit” (the approach to a tackle, and the positioning), the “rip” (ripping the arms through), “grip” (wrapping up the ball carrier, and grabbing cloth), and “drive” (driving through the tackle). We repped this a few times, before getting into 3 drills emphasising the use of the tackling technique. Firstly, tackling a runner coming through the line, then a reciever in open field lanes, and then a ball carrier breaking to the sideline. Every time it was “fit, rip, grip, drive”, keep repeating it, “fit, rip, grip, drive”, over and over again…

Then into a scrimmage. Full kit, full contact, give it large! Then, first play, the QB drops back, throws… “INTERCEPTION”. I key in on Scott Taylor who caught the ball, he’s coming towards me, and i’m reciting “fit, rip, grip, drive. Fit, rip grip, drive. Fit, rip, gr…” It’s at that point that i realise i’ve just dropped a shoulder, run straight through him, and sent him flying to the floor 2 yards back. Oh well, practice makes perfect…

Camp no. 2

Firstly, apologies for the delay in posting - time seems to have escaped me!

Now, just under a fortnight ago we held our second mini-camp for new and experienced players alike, and again it was a massive success - mainly because i didn’t keel over and die!

It began, bright and breezy on Saturday morning. Turnout was good, in excess of 50 guys there ready to play. A swift warm up was followed by some work in position specific units, which left the O-line in the capable hands of Coach Neil O’Hare. Rumour abounded that the Coach hadn’t got lucky in some time, seemingly reinforced by his desire to see some large chunks of humanity thrusting their hips. Personally, i think he likes it because we can’t run away too quickly…

Then, into some scrimmaging - the QBs enhanced their reputations as dainty little pretty boys by gently tossing passes for gains of about 5, and handing the ball off to the depleted running back corps - led by Duncan Flack. Duncan is the polar opposite to Neil, encouraging his guys to keep their hips level, and not thrust at all. Apparently running backs don’t need the thrust that linemen do. I’ve yet to ask one of Duncan’s recent conquests to verify this though.

Sunday saw more of the same, but with the added element of some agility training. And i have to tell you, if you’ve never seen a fat man wiggle, it’s quite hypnotic…. Run to the cones and back again. Then jump over the hurdle and run to the cone. Follow that with Bunny hops over more hurdles, running over tacklebags, sidestepping around cones, and then a bit of rhythmic shuffling through a ladder. Needless to say there were some small men who struggled with the hurdles, some big men who struggled with the hops, and some bigger men who finished with both feet tied together in the ladder. Still, we’re at the mercy of the Coaches…

More positional drills followed this, and as the linemen and i stood stamping our feet, i glanced over at the receivers and the DBs. They were running across the field retrieving balls and racing each other back. The linebackers were sprinting, back-pedalling, sprinting, recovering a fumble and running it back, and the running backs were running everywhere. I crouched in my stance, moved one foot forward 6 inches, before bringing it back. It was right then i realised i was probably playing in the right position…

More scrimmaging after that, a few new plays and some exciting new blocking schemes. That’s clearly a recipe for disaster, and sure enough the QBs were brought to the floor on more than one occasion, but there’s plenty of time to iron out the kinks. I hope.

All in all, both camps were a resounding success. We’ve got over 25 new players, many returning guys, and a strong looking roster for next season. With fixtures announced soon, were all excited and keen to put it all into practice as soon as we can.